Identity Inertia: Resistance to change despite diminishing returns
Have you ever wanted to come out of the shell created by your own identity, in the quest of becoming better, and more in whatever aspects that might be? But still feel like we are drawn in somehow, eventually acting like the person which has kept us wanting more. This is an endless cycle, and can be quite frustrating at times, if you just think about how long we have been stuck- something similar to a time loop, but this is not exactly the same things repeating, but similar predictable stepping into potholes that slow us down, and never allow us to break away from the shell with a critical momentum enough to propel us forward.
We never seem to be able to escape that shared past of choosing, or acting in a certain way- more so because we can't expect to drastically alter our environment, or the people around us—our family, friends—who have known us for long and expect to relive certain shared moments in a way that reinstate the very definition of who we are to them, which defines us.
Our identity loves to survive and close the expectation loop of folks around us, otherwise it fears there will be nothing left, no meaning to how we have lived and spent our times until now.
Yet we try to become, to outrun our identity traces, to become who we want to be so that we are able to support what we welcome into our lives. It's like laying the foundation, which is extremely important. Often it is said, that we ask ourselves, how bad do we want something- that is driving; the anti-thesis should be even more powerful, so let's ask ourselves, do we want to keep feeling the same poorness, and to keep trying to become a better version, ending up with some kind of consolation milestones? Are we welcoming yet unwelcoming the better version of ourselves?
This is a kind of social hook, that traps us. Somewhere we also know that we can't help but hurt a few folks along the way, while we embark on a transformation journey!
That's not alright humanely, but then how is it alright to keep ourselves stuck in a time loop? We need to disassociate for long enough, to find new associations, challenge, and stab the legacy identity face front, and allow the new one to build and settle comfortably, by giving it space and not endless doubts!
The Glory is in discipline—discipline to remember that becoming 1% better everyday is a farce, we have to at times disassociate, decouple ourselves completely! in the quest of discovering the best that we are already, hidden away from the numerous associations made in the past, when we happily served to be pegged against a grand agenda- the agenda of dying as average as we started out! never realising the fullest of our potential, and the last breath could well be a sigh of relief from misery, rather than a full happy exhalation!
This is a crucial barrier to growth- fear of disappointing others and ourselves by changing.
Let's now lay out a few things that we should start practicing:
• The social reinforcement / validation we receive for exemplifying certain traits, skills, accomplishments and successes eventually might trap us and not allow us to venture beyond them
• We tend to draw a lot of meaning from identity, and this identity, from living up to others' expectations. Any changes to this social mirror effect is threatening
• Our identity is unable to mature into the next level of goals promoting behaviours because of the "identity inertia". We get into the habit of closing the social validation loop (the validation addiction), even though they no longer serve our growth, resulting in diminishing returns
• When we disassociate from old patterns, we might come to think that the new life might be boring since there's a validation vacuum. That's particularly not correct, we are in fact creating space to find new associations which should take somewhere around 3 to 9 months, and from there allow our new identity to emerge
• Be open to invest time and money into exploring newer environments that allow for different feedback loops to emerge, that help fresh identity facets to develop. These new environments don't have a shared history of validating existing patterns, allowing the space required for transformation
• Accept completely the uncertainty of growth, and let go of mindfully those validation seeking behaviours. Start enjoying the identity vacuum, let those old patterns fade, while realizing that new ones will be slow and need careful attention to solidify
• Detail the process of letting go of validation-seeking behaviours and embrace with sheer excitement, happiness and anticipation, the slow unfolding of growth
• Eventually, try to transcend the ideal identity so it is able to draw validation from within rather than external sources. This allows for intentional growth to continuously evolve without much dependency on others' approval!
Do not keep yourself tethered to a comfortable, limiting, validation seeking self-concept! Embrace happily the fear of disappointing others and for a certain amount of time ourselves by diving into an unsociable void to accelerate the best in us!
